I feel great
I just peed on a car
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
