That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Randomize
