Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
