she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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