I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
