mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
