she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Randomize
