ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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