I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
