Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
