Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize