I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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