just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
