Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
