i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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