I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
