the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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