i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
