Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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