i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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