Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
