I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
