You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
