I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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