Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
