I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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