I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize