Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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