I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
