So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
