We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
