Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
