I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i've created a new STD.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
