flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
