if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
