another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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