Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
