There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I am one with the molecules
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
