last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
