if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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