i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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