dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
