this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
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