i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
