I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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