I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
