I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
