just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I am available for nakedness
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
