I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
