i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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