When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
