You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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