mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
