i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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