He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Randomize
