I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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