I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize