i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
